Fun Star: Briefly Stated
This article is a work of satire, and is not intended to be taken seriously in any way. Any resemblance to actual events or real people is purely coincidental, and should not be regarded with any degree of seriousness.
Dinosaur vs Nook
Following the arrest of the dinosaur that mauled Ethan Alive, the dinosaur announced that she will be running to be the new University of Alaska Fairbanks mascot. As she is in jail reporters are unsure how she made this announcement so public and as there is not an election for a new mascot, why she is even running is a mystery.
When asked, freshman Joe Shmitt said, “A dinosaur would be cool, since this place looks so ancient, but one that killed a kid? No thanks”
“But the nook is so cool and fun to hang out with!” said Aja Odeal, a senior English major. “He’s at all the cool events why should there even be talk about his replacement!”
Nook, UAF’s current mascot, interacted with the press to show his discontent with this attempt to dethrone him. As our sources do not speak fluent bear, we took his body language to mean that he was unhappy with this announcement by the way he crossed his arms and put his paws on his hips.
In hopes to appease students who would like the change in mascot, UAF officials said the election will be held Feb. 30, 2019. Only then will students and faculty know who will be the new mascot.
Lottery to decide fate of Liberal Arts
Coming this next summer the UA system will be drawing to see which Liberal Art department will be cut next. Due to budget cuts any non-STEM department is at risk.
Despite some universities having long since given up on holding such lotteries, the UA system continues to uphold the yearly tradition, following each round of budget cuts.
“It’s only fair,” said UA President Jim Johnsen, in an address to delivered to the College of Liberal Arts on April 1. “The lottery is the fairest way we have of deciding.”
The English Department and the Art Department have banded together to show that what they teach is important by writing strongly worded essays and creating graphic, but tasteful, art pieces.
The drawing will be held May 28 with the departments written on slips of paper and pulled from a beanie taken out of the lost and found. May the odds be ever in the departments favor.
Off-campus bookstore secrets revealed
The off-campus books store just past Fred Meyer’s western location and Safeway was discovered to be a front for President Jim Johnsen’s Strategic Pathways. This lair is where he toils and plots to better the UA system by restructuring everything.
His plan includes to change how classes are taught, how teachers are paid, the levels of bureaucracy, how the new buildings are placed, the increase of the squirrel population, and how to teach non-existent beings.
“I mean, we all knew the building had to have something else going on,” said senior justice student Lena Spats. “Everyone gets their books from Amazon or from campus. And everybody takes their online tests in Bunnel. Nobody even goes to that off campus place.”
When reporters tried to confront Johnsen at the off-campus bookstore they fell into a pit of crocodiles and quickly perished.