Fun Star: Horoscopes

This article is a work of satire, and is not intended to be taken seriously in any way. Any resemblance to actual events or real people is purely coincidental, and should not be regarded with any degree of seriousness.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): I sense great fortune in your near future. All you need is a tow truck, that empty Mini Cooper parked at Safeway, and the bravery to do what needs be done.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Bull-headed Taurus, you need to learn to give up some ground every now and then. Is that specific mound of dirt really so important? You already have so much dirt Taurus, please. Stop.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): As an air sign it’s time to spread your wings and fly Gemini. Fly upward, outward, but stay away from the sun. The sun is the enemy.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): The stars sense love is in the air dear cancer. It’s in the air. IT’S IN THE AIR!

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Things have been rough for you lately dear Leo. The universe is indicating you need to let loose. Go on and scream. Let it all out. Just… walk right outside and scream at the sky.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Mercury is in retrograde. You might as well just lock yourself in your room until April 15.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): It’s time for you to weigh your options Libra. Heh, weigh. Get it? Did you get it? Because you’re a scale.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): A vacation is on the horizon for you. A long one, in fact, if you don’t get out of town quickly. A very long, like life sentence long vacation. Unless you leave. Now.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): It’s spring time Sagittarius! Time to really put yourself out there romantically. If you don’t go for it now, when will you? Try wearing one of those “I’m Single” shirts. Just a giant neon sign of desperation.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Maybe.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Your symbol is “the water bearer” but you’re an air sign. Your sign LITERALLY has AQUA in the name. I have no time for this nonsense, figure yourself out before coming to me for advice.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Pisces, you’re the fish with a wish, but only you can make your dreams come true. Neptune can only help you so much, with the tides and such. Yeah, water stuff. You get it.