Fun Star: Senators announce indoctrination program, discounts for students

This article is a work of satire, and is not intended to be taken seriously in any way. Any resemblance to actual events or real people is purely coincidental, and should not be regarded with any degree of seriousness.

Increased Student Involvement
Amidst complaints of ASUAF not fully representing the student body, the student government has decided to pass legislation to mandate student involvement.

“Currently, ASUAF is only made up of less than 0.1 percent of the student body,” said Senate Chair Mitchell while discussing the bill. “As such, I feel that legislation aimed at increasing this number can only serve to help the student body.”

In order to increase student involvement from the student body, ASUAF will utilize a variety of methods, including discounts at various on-campus locations for members, experimental mind control, bake sales, and vastly expanded meeting times.

“We’ve had complaints that not everybody is able to make ASUAF meeting times, so we’re expanding meetings to encompass the entire school semester so everybody can participate,” announced Dawson Mann, vice president of the student government.

Under this new legislation, all students will always be able to participate in ASUAF meetings, now and forever. In order to support this change, all classes are cancelled, and the university’s name will be changed to the University of the Associated Students of the University of Alaska, Fairbanks. Additionally, the student government will use experimental thought control technology to help reduce tensions and arguments during meetings.

“A lot of people have said that meetings can be intense. So, in order to combat this, we’re introducing new Thought Monitors for the meetings,” said ASUAF President Molly O’Scannell. “These will scan people as they walk in and remove any dissident or uncomfortable thoughts, to reduce arguments.”

At this point, the current student government members stood up in unison, chanting: “We are ASUAF. You are ASUAF. We are all ASUAF. Become one with ASUAF, now and forever.”

Addressing concerns of whether or not students would actually agree to this drastic change, the ASUAF Collective has promised that there will be consequences for those who do not.

“There are those who doubt us, who have risen against their true rulers. These traitors will not receive any of the student discounts, and will be dealt with in due time,” spoke the ASUAF council in unison.

Grammatical Changes
Additionally, ASUAF discussed various grammatical changes to the bylaws. However, the Thought Monitors began to break down partway through the discussion, leading to the unsyncing of the student government amid a strong debate over whether to use a colon or a semicolon in one of the contingencies.

“Obviously there are some glitches that need to be worked out, but we’re confident that ASUAF will have a 100 percent involvement rate by the end of the next academic year,” said Mann.

The meeting closed after discussion of whether or not the student government actually needed to meet the next week, with the general consensus being that they all could, but didn’t want to.

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