Fun Star: Students terrorized by dinosaurs under Wood Center

This article is a work of satire, and is not intended to be taken seriously in any way. Any resemblance to actual events or real people is purely coincidental, and should not be regarded with any degree of seriousness.

Last known footage of Ethan Alive. The photo was discovered in the ventilation system of the Wood Center.

On March 27 Ethan Alive sat on the grated area in the Wood Center and a Tyrannosaurus Rex pulled him into the depth of the ventilation system. Five days later his body was found mangled while the T-Rex stood over him licking his severed hand. Police made a quick arrest and Alive’s body was returned to his loved ones.

Panic arose on March 29 when friends and family of Ethan Alive noticed that he had not been seen in a few days. At first his friends thought that he had simply been tied up with homework and was off concentrating, but when he didn’t show up to his shift at the Wood Center his boss found that cause for concern.

Tyra Gates, his significant other, had been in a small panic when Alive hadn’t been to any of their lunches. Gates was often asking around if anyone had seen Alive.

“He is normally good about telling me if he can’t make it to lunch. Heck we talk all the time and I haven’t heard from him in, like, four days,” Gates said. “I keep thinking he’ll round the corner and say ‘SURPRISE’ but he doesn’t.”

The investigation for the whereabouts of Alive lasted three days. On April 1 when he was finally found, Police Chief Steve Goetz made it clear why students shouldn’t be on the grated area.

“There is a sign that says not to sit on the grates,” Goetz said. “There are many dangers that could come from being on them like falling through or being carried off by whatever decides to live down there. We caution students to stay off the grates in the future.”

Anyone who has ever dared to be on the grated area in the past has found themselves warned by panicked Front Desk Staff to quickly get off them because it is likely that a person could fall through, or in this case be eaten.

“Our thoughts and prayers go out to [Alive’s] friends and family,” Wood Center Director Mark Oldmixon said in a press conference following the discover of the remains. Students are left wondering when the terrors will end.

“We all know what happened last year,” Jake Shnapps, a sophomore English student, muttered as the officials shooed off the disgruntled students.

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