Fun Star: Police Blotter
This article is a work of satire, and is not intended to be taken seriously in any way. Any resemblance to actual events or real people is purely coincidental, and should not be regarded with any degree of seriousness.
3/12/2018 3:27 a.m. – An indentured servant attempting to leave Residence Life was detained and returned to his quarters. Investigation is ongoing into how he managed to get so far before being caught.
3/30/2018 11:15 a.m. – A student who had been reported missing two days prior was found to have fallen through the grated area in the Wood Center and was attacked by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Title IX contact information was given to the deceased student, and the dinosaur was arrested.
3/15/2018 5:03 p.m. – A possible incident of potentially suspicious circumstances may have occurred at the old University Park Building. Investigation is ongoing.
3/16/2018 12:11 p.m. – 56-year-old John. A. Janderton of Fairbanks was found to be guilty of a crime that would take place in April of next year by the UAF police department’s new Precognition Crime Cops. Janderton was charged with thought crime and arrested. Investigation is ongoing.
3/19/2018 3:22 p.m. – A student suffered a nervous breakdown in the Eielson Building and had to be detained by officers. The student was screaming conspiracy theories about UAF student loans, and has been placed into medical care. No further investigation is needed.
3/21/2018 1:22 a.m. – An officer is investigating an open investigation. Investigation is ongoing.
3/29/2018 2:57 p.m. – Title IX employee filed a complaint concerning the Title IX office. The employee was given contact information for the Title IX office and an investigation is ongoing.
3/16/2018 4:21 a.m. – A student who had been previously trespassed from the UAF campus has now been trespassed from the rest of Fairbanks, and is currently stuck on the edge of UAF campus. UAF police are in discussions with the Fairbanks police department on whose trespass is bigger and more important. Investigation is ongoing.
3/17/2018 10:59 a.m. – A student who had been previously trespassed from all of campus had her trespass lifted from the dorms, and will now be working for Residence Life in the immediate future. She is still trespassed from the rest of campus, and will be returned to Res Life should she be found elsewhere on campus. Investigation is ongoing.
3/22/2018 1:08 p.m. – Investigation from the previous day has concluded and has led to the officer conducting the investigation being trespassed from campus. Investigation is not ongoing. Investigation will never be ongoing.
3/13/2018 10:17 a.m. – The computer used to write the police reports has been stolen again, causing the reports to be late. Suspect was identified as being the Great Bamboozler, who has stolen the computer before. The Great Bamboozler was briefly detained before he leaped out of a window while swearing his revenge and eventual return. Investigation is ongoing.
3/17/2018 6:51 p.m. – A student called the UAF police department to report that someone had stolen his phone. While talking, the student abruptly went silent, coughed awkwardly, then ended the call. Investigation is ongoing.
3/27/2018 2:21 p.m. – A student who stole the concept of crime could not be arrested. As is the time-honored tradition, she has become the new police chief and will hopefully lead the department to further glory. Investigation is ongoing.